I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring