If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
My ass is underappreciated
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
