so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Randomize
