Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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