I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
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Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
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Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
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