he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
