i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize