Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
