you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
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