how can u be prego again
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
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