i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
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