there's paper in my vomit.
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
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