Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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