Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Randomize
