I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
Randomize
