I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
Randomize
