me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
Sooo i'm debating posing nude for the drawing and painting classes, I just wanna see if they draw my nip ring.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
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