Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
