I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
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I dont know how to respond to your rave picture. I mean yeah, he's hot, but it just seems wrong to be like "Please tell me you fucked that guy with the pacifier!"
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
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So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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