the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Randomize
