my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
