ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
You dont lie about slip and slides
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Randomize
