Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
how drunk are you?
Several
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
