I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Randomize
