Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
