My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
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