I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
Randomize
