He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
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