It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
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