Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
