i wanna do a homemade sex video in sepia and pretend were in the early 20th c
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
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