I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
So all semester this guy and girl have been talking, and today is the last class and we are doing nothing. I would have skipped but I want to see if he seals the deal or pusses out. It's like a season finale.
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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