i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Randomize
