I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
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