In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
