fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
Randomize
