You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
