remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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