haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
let's have our labels/stereotypes/careers for each kid by next week.
oh how i love working at summer camp.
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Randomize
