Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Randomize
