When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
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