Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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