...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
