Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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