Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
Randomize
