also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Randomize
