you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
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