idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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