If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
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