i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
yeah i was sneaking up to her room and on the way i saw a picture of her and left
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
Randomize
