I'm sorry my penis didn't work
I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
Randomize
