In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
